Breaking Report by Fay Stoker
Reports are coming in from Cook County, Illinois where Sheriff's Deputy Michael DeBartolo issued a statement confirming that jailbroken iPhone, prisoner 1.1.3, has been captured in south county. iPhone was discovered just after 4 PM central time today, hiding out in the restroom of a Best Buy Store in possession of multiple Sim cards, stolen 3rd party apps, cash and automatic weapons. The prisoner was placed on silent and taken into custody without any struggle. iPhone was quickly re-virginized by Cook County officials and held until he could be transported back to prison.
"This is not the first time iPhone has been party to a successful jailbreak," said Sheriff Elam Nikserof, "We thought we had him amply secured after the first two breaks, but my guess is that he's not working alone. We suspect a highly organized team of clever individuals working together."
Nikserof revealed that during interrogation several racy photos of scantily clad woman called Mac Chicks, were found on the iPhone. Mac Chicks are a grossly popular monthly feature found on Macenstein.com. In addition, Sheriff's deputies discovered the prisoner possessing dozens of tiny heat-sealed bags of white powder which resembled street drugs. The bags turned out to be Ice Breakers Pacs, small dissolvable pouches with a powdered-sweetener inside. The mints are currently at the center of a huge controversy with police narcotics squad in Philadelphia. Officers confirmed that iPhone appeared fanatical about everyone maintaining fresh breath. An odd quirk for a career criminal.
Officials expect a formal arraignment for iPhone early next week, though media attention is expected to remain morbidly focused on a sensationalized story about a large quantity of iPhones alleged to be missing. For now, one jailbroken iPhone is safely in custody, leaving a small Illinois community text messaging a welcome sigh of relief.