Special Report by Ian Fawling
Cosmopolitan Magazine made a wildly outrageous claim in an article from their March issue entitled "The Best Places to Meet a Guy",
naming the Apple store as one of their top hot spots to shop for men —
"Whether you're looking for a fun fling or a long-term relationship,"
according to the article. The magazine went so far as to insist that
"The vibe at the stores is conducive to man meeting," encouraging women
to "Just survey the, ahem, good-looking merchandise." As an Apple store
regular I took offense to being lumped in a group like "man meat",
sending women the message that men are merchandise. We may be a-holes,
players, sports pigs and self-absorbed womanizers but merchandise we
are not.
I decided to put the Cosmo claims to the test by taking a random
sampling of "man merchandise" lurking around at two Apple store
locations on a busy Saturday. I surveyed the Santa Monica store while
my associate Wade Spumen took on Manhattan. Our random manhunt produced
less than favorable results for the ladies, seriously challenging
Cosmos claims of hooking Apple store hotties on the fly. Here's what we
discovered.
As we prowled the store we found more "notties" per square foot than "hotties" on our random manhunt. I spied three guys enjoying their fifteen minutes of "village idiot" with a MacBook iSight camera and Photobooth like they were at Disneyland. Most men were standing in puddles of their own drool, locked in a Mac lust trance. The one exception was Wades sighting of Josh Grobin in NYC. There's a guy that girls definitely swoon over even though he was two in a hundred we spotted. Our findings proved bleak at best for any female hoping to rope herself a certified man hunk.
Cosmo was accurate when they said that the Apple store is saturated
with the male species. Unfortunately it's not the kind of species found
in GQ but closer to those found in National Geographic. I would
postpone printing that "Hunks of the Apple Store" calendar for the time
being. I suggest that women stick to bottom feeding at traditional man
palaces like sports bars, pool halls and strip clubs to find their
mister right or mister right now in most cases.
"When I'm in an Apple store I want to feel free to rip one and occasionally scratch the fellas without being on display for some Cosmo girl," said frequent store shopper Lance Urlich "I don't like to mix my Mac business with scoping out the lady lumps. It's just creepy."
Take it from me ladies, when a guy is in an Apple store the last thing he wants is to be distracted by some muffin top mystery date. Especially when the iPhone and MacBook Air are so much hotter. Don't believe the hype, the Apple store is a high tech candy shop for obsessed Neanderthals looking to bag a new Mac not an imitation Mac chick. No matter what Cosmopolitan Magazine says. There are much better places to flaunt your top heavy anorexia, so I suggest you keep searching. The Apple store is truly a sacred temple of divine worship for the modern man, not a Cosmo girls personal butcher shop for ordering up man meat by the pound. So get lost Barbie! Can't you see we're busy here?
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