iPhone Savior

iPhone 2.0 Will Create Fresh Crop of Losers

 Special Report by Earl Sorel

Since the launch of Apple's revolutionary iPhone on June 29, 2007 many early adopters have enjoyed elite status that for the most part has served to elevate their social status and personal cool factor. Anyone holding one of those boring conventional cell phones was silently judged and labled a loser in comparison to the iPhoner who was dressed for success with the most sought after accessory capable of complementing any wardrobe. But that's so 2007!

iPhone Faithful Grow Restless for Second Coming

Throngs of shaved apes with opposing thumbs have been pounding their keyboards wanting to be the first to accurately predict the second coming of iPhone. Fortune Magazine has opted to lead the ape parade in the past few days as Apple followers are growing restless looking for a miraculous sign of their beloved Jesus Phone appearing in the clouds. Today it turned out to be a Cessna 172 Skyhawk instead.

"Apple appears to be targeting a June introduction of the 3G version of the phone, roughly a year after the original iPhone's debut. And similar to last year, Apple seems to be scheduling a limited initial supply to be followed by more phones in the fall quarter." Scott Moritz reports for Fortune. 

3G iPhones will be falling out of the trees this summer like ripened bananas dropping into the hands of angry Cubans who can't afford a real cell phone no matter what Raul tells them. The initial order calls for 11 million iPhones to be built this year according to the great shaved one. Taiwan's Hon Hai Precision Industry Co. has secured the exclusive contract to assemble iPhone 2.0 which has left the Hon Hai factory girls jumping for joy while they beat each other with the ugly stick. Look for the next generation iPhone's triumphant return to be witnessed by millions in May according to the chest pounding of Sinead Carew and Scott Hillis in a report for Reuters. May? Holy shit! Peace be with you my grunting, hairless brothers.

3G iPhone Earlier Than Expected?

Are Mac Heads Ready For The Genius Bar Lounge?

  Special Report by Fay Stoker


SAN FRANCISCO, CA - It was bound to happen eventually, a bar that shamelessly caters to the elite Apple faithful, where sophisticated Mac users can gather under one roof for a free wi-fi connection and ultra-swanky cocktails. Plans to bring the first Genius Bar cocktail lounge to the Bay Area are under way, spearheaded by a group of restaurateurs convinced that the Apple culture is a certified lifestyle. At this Genius Bar orders will be focused on hard liquor rather than hard drives. Your resident Genius will come in the form of a certified mixologist skilled at turning out an Appletini which is sure to become a Genius Bar favorite.

"We know that Mac and iPhone fanatics are a community of savvy users, we believe creating a unique space to relax and tip back a fee beers with other Mac geeks is perfectly timed," said Chad Garrett Vice President of Design for the Walker Group. "The Genius Bar cocktail lounge will be the first of it's kind so we're excited about the franchise possibilities. I'm certain if we build it they will come."

Blogger Outs Seattle Apple Store As Totally Gay

Steven Blum, author of the wildly popular blog "Oh My God Seattle" viciously outed the Seattle Apple store in his post entitled, "The Apple Store at University Village Is So Gay". Blum wasn't fingering the pop culture version of 'gay' used to describe something stupid or unfortunate either.

According to Blum, who calls himself a gay white Jewish male, "The University Village Apple Store is the best place to meet gay people in all of Seattle." That's a hard one to swallow if you've ever been to Purr Cocktail Lounge in the Capitol Hill area of Seattle on a Friday night. It's located near the corner of 11th and bathhouse flush with dude-on-dude cruising and five guys for every guy in a sea of hair gel. Don't ask me why I know that.

Blum described the Seattle Apple store saying; "The salesmen are gay, the customers are gay and the advertising on the wall is gay. The store might as well just put a gigantic upside down pink triangle under it's Apple logo." I visited that Seattle location after performing a serious calibration on my gaydar device but I could not confirm Blum's assertions. It's clear since Apple did away with their rainbow logo they've distanced their brand from any hint of gay pride. After reading the rest of his rant it became as obvious as leather hot pants that Mr. Blum has a stylish flair for the dramatic. It's possible that I may have stumbled upon an Apple basher in denial who needs a coming out party. Read his post and come out with your own conclusion [link]. If you're gay, go there. NOW.

by Ian Fawling    [Steven Blum's Big Rebuttal]    [Apple is so Gay]

Transformers 2 Special Edition iPhone Hard Case

With the confirmation of a Transformers 2 sequel, ExstreamMac has inked a deal to create a special edition iPhone hard case that will be released in tandem with a short run, special edition, numbered series of bendable Transformers action figures. Both items will be sold only as a set, released sometime this summer close to the launch of iPhone 2 scheduled for the end of June. This makes sense since June 29th marks the one year anniversary of the original iPhone launch.

"We are so excited to pair our Extsream iPhone hard case with Transformers 2," said Neil Harden Director of Marketing for ExtsreamMac, "Even though Transformers 2 will not reach theaters until June of 2009, it's never to early to start the hype. We expect to sell out in a matter of hours."

Harden was unable to confirm the production quantity of action figures or what price point would be set at retail. Though he did disclose that each iPhone hard case would be fully waterproof, stomp resistant and could potentially deflect a small caliber bullet fired at long range. A feature that many rap artists have requested of case makers since the launch of iPhone. The case will contain a removable money clip and be offered in blood red, jetta black and nearly clear.

According to Harden, this unique offer will be impossible for hard core Transformer nerds to resist. Though he did admit some might be able to resist, buts it's highly unlikely. "These fans are totally predicable," said Harden, "That's why Paramount is doing a sequel."

[Film Info]     [Transformers 2 Trailer]

Hundreds Migrate Towards Glow of Apple Logo For Creative Inspiration

  Special Report by Fay Stoker

NEW YORK, NY - Hundreds of people are flocking to Apple store locations to bask in the inspirational glow of the Apple logo in an attempt to spark creativity. A report that will appear in the Journal of Consumer Research next month suggests that the Steve jobs inspired, Reality Distortion Field may be grounded in truth. The study proves that gazing upon the Apple logo is enough to motivate people to be more creative. Apple wasted no time changing the signs above their Chelsea store to herald the reports findings. (above)

According to store staff, many are taking the study literally by standing outside Apple store locations staring at the large glowing Apple logo. It's a phenomenon closely associated with those that travel to worship at the statue of the Virgin Mary hoping to receive healing as a result of the statue miraculously producing tears. Some Apple faithful are indeed claiming a surge in personal creativity while waiting in the queue set up outside a number of Apple stores put in place by staff to handle the large crowds containing equal parts curious and true believers. (Milton Keynes queue below)

Rumor: Star Trek Using iPhone As Communicator

Special Report by Wade Spumen

iPhone... the final frontier. According to sources working close to Star Trek (2009), a slickly modified flip version of iPhone is being used as the new communicator for the young crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Sources have promised drawings detailing features the enhanced IPhone communicator would contain. Video chat was mentioned along with a lifeform detector and hints that the device may also be able to transport crew members. The latter sounds far fetched since transporting at will would allow characters to return to the ship at the first sign of trouble. This would abruptly end a potential storyline plus allow those miscellaneous b-actor crew members to live for no valid reason. Not gonna happen. It's imperative they die within the first ten minutes of the story in some mysterious mishap.

We're making efforts to confirm communications supposedly coming from on location in Iceland. It makes sense that Apple's wildly popular iPhone which is clearly a quantum leap beyond other smartphones would be the favored device for Star Trek's futuristic final frontier. That's my way of wishing it into reality. This project is categorized as being in production including cast members Winona Ryder, Ben Cross, John Cho and Leonard Nimoy among others. More to follow.

[view Star Trek Trailer]    [view Goofy Fan-Made Trailer]   [Leaked Film]

Bay Area Church Creates Mii Jesus To Promote Easter Sunday Service

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In what appears to be a gargantuan effort to one-up the cult of iPhone faithful, the Mission Bay Community Church is featuring a virtual Jesus presented as a Nintendo Mii character to promote their Easter service. The church is taking the Buddy Christ concept to a whole new level. We have the Jesus phone and now they've created the Jesus Mii. Touché! Many Nintendo Wii followers have heralded the church's radical "My own personal Jesus" campaign (or Miisus) as ground breaking in an attempt to think different. A philosophy that many Mac heads are all too familiar with.

"Wii totally rules and Jesus totally rules, I get it," said Bay area resident Louis Cypher, "I'm making my own Jesus Mii so I can take him Wii bowling and play Wii tennis with him on Sunday. My friends are gonna freak when they see Jesus running around on my screen. I dare them to try and beat the Jesus out of me on Wii boxing. It's not gonna happen!"  

Apple Intros New MacBook Air Protection Plan

Apple has just announced the Charlie Rose Apple Care protection plan for MacBook Air. A device built around Thinnovation deserves a unique level of protection against potholes, lunges and good old fashioned headlong falls. You never know if your next tumble will be the last one for your ultra-thin MacBook Air.

You don't have to be an accident prone TV talk show host to enjoy the kind of protection that celebrities require. The Charlie Rose Apple Care protection plan sells for $199 offering three years of bafoon proof coverage for your MacBook Air. Don't wait until your lying face down on the pavement to get the kind of lifestyle protection you need. Right Charlie?

[via Joy of Tech]   [Art by Nitrozac and Snaggy]   [the real story]

Seacrest Sucks The Cool Out of iPhone on Idol

When Ryan Seacrest randomly pulled an iPhone from an audience members hand on Tuesday night's American Idol broadcast it was obviously a staged promo. Seacrest demonstrated how easy it is to visit the "Idol" website, vote for a contestant or even download content directly to the device. He failed to show us all how to snap a picture of the doofus holding the iPhone to use as a screen saver. It was a certified moment of horror for any card carrying member from the cult of iPhone that may have been watching.

Ryan Seacrest sucked the swagger out of the iPhone quicker than David Archuleta managed to chew and spew "The Long And Winding Road" on live television like a seasoned bulimic. Much like Seacrest did with his "Look at me I'm an ass clown with an iPhone" plug, Archuleta mangled The Beatles music beyond recognition. Though I must admit that Amanda Overmyer took a close second with her train wreck version of "Back In The U.S.S.R." which sounded like she was desperately trying to hark up a fur ball the entire song. It made me freakin' nauseous.

To think that Paul McCartney just forked over $50 million to that "Dancing with a gold digger" chick and then had to endure this travesty of a mockery of two shams. I only wish that Heather Mills was in the Idol audience so Simon Cowell could have tore off her good leg to use as a club on those relentless Beatles hackers right after he beat her with it. It would have been American Idol meets Jerry Springer with a twist of Braveheart thrown in. Now there's a reality TV show that might actually get me voting from my iPhone.

by Ian Fawling    [watch video after the jump]