Here's a treasure of new iPhone apps certain to offend any village idiot with even the slightest shred of self respect. Our crack app review team have turned a big stink eye on three apps that should have been beaten to death by Apple with a blunt object early in the review process. Since that's not the case, we've decided to drag them out into the spotlight to perform an in depth review (ass whuppin') along with issuing our handy warning label.
Twilight: Edward vs Jacob Tic-Tac-Toe ($.99) is a regrettable sequel to the original undead version with a few useless fixes tossed in. Even the most obsessed Twilight nerd (Twerd) would find this retarded vampire version of tic-tac-toe painfully tedious. This one trick pony filled me with an instant desire to toss my iPhone across the room to avoid suffering a brain hemorrhage. Just like a vampire poser wearing braces, you'll find that this app also sucks badly. Push it out into the bright sunlight where it truly belongs.
Apples ($.99) offers iPhone users a proper warning that a mind is a terrible thing to waste, along with $.99 cents. This offensive gem gives buyers the privilege of virtually consuming crisp Granny Smith apples one tap at a time. Confirming that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. What it really confirms is that the app review team at Apple must be bitter, overworked tools who want the world of non-Hobbits to feel their pain as they struggle to survive another awful day slaving in Middle earth. Mission accomplished guys!
Dolphin Fun ($.99) is the last app featured in our colorful ass clown parade. I'm still trying to figure out if this misfit was created for adults recovering from a serious brain injury or for barefooted hillbilly kids that are just too dumb to know better. The theme of this tragic app is to enjoy some relaxing happy time by making screensavers with badly drawn Dolphin and Starfish. The poor unfortunate souls that buy this one will also get the bonus of playing endless hours of Dolphin tic-tac-toe. It's the ultimate undersea app for people in a coma.
Now that we've dug up this trio of polished turds from the 85,000 iPhone apps buried in the App Store, feel free to download one of these little treasures to call your very own. Pride of ownership not included with purchase.
Pretty bad stuff, that's for sure!
Posted by: robinson | October 17, 2009 at 09:00 AM