iPhone Savior

Apple Starts Testing iSquirt Devices In London

LONDON, ENGLAND - Sources have confirmed that Apple has begun location testing of  its new user-friendly portable urinal iSquirt, set for release in the UK for late fall of 2008. The first prototype design, originally reported by CrunkGear, has been testing favorably with men in London's West End, where street fouling has become a nightly sport according to sources. Engineers will be making several design enhancements to the device once focus group research is complete. Early complaints of splash back are being addressed along with reports of difficulty hearing the auto-play music track triggered when urine hits the receptacle.

Insiders also indicate that Apple tested many (i) names like, iFlow which was immediately rejected when mistaken for a woman's portable Tampon dispenser. More obvious names like, iDrain, iPiss, iWiz, and iTinkle were also unanimously rejected by Apple as juvenile.

The masculine iSquirt moniker stuck when one staffer demonstrated popping a small hole in a water balloon while squeezing firmly, the resulting power-squirt soaked several staffers, sealing the deal for Jobs. Reports of iSquirt launching in the U.S. are still unconfirmed, citing that self-conscious Americans would be uncomfortable with the practice of urinating (draining the main vein) in the middle of a busy street. 

iPhone 3G Stock Still Plentiful At 5th Avenue Apple Store With Massive Line

NEW YORK, NY - Now that iPhone 3G has been released for over a week, some cult of iPhone followers have become delusional thinking that they could casually waddle into Apple's flagship location on Fifth Avenue like a drunk Yoda without any waiting required. Wrong! (doofus alert in effect)

Apple faithful were met with shock and awe on July 18th to find over 150 people waiting in line under the blistering summer sun with well over four hour wait times in progress at 11 a.m. With so many locations across the country sold out on iPhone 3G, the Apple flagship store in Manhattan has become the last hope for desperate seekers. There's plenty of stock with a massive line to match. iPhone availability on the Apple website show all models currently in stock at the Fifth Avenue store but only 16GB White in stock at SoHo and West 14th Street.

Buying your iPhone one week after the official iPhone 3G launch still qualifies you as an early adopter. So be ready to hunker down, bear the heat and earn your right to join the cult with your down payment in sweat and time. It's well worth it at twice the current wait times.

[photos by Ed Yourdon]

First Apple Store In China To Showcase iSling

BEIJING, CHINA - Photos of Apple's newest flagship store in Beijing have begun to surface in what is planned to be the first of many stores the company intends to open in China according to Ron Johnson, Apple's senior vice president of retail. The SanLiTun Village Apple store is scheduled to open on July 19 at 10 a.m. with throngs of Apple faithful, media and onlookers expected to pack into Apple's 219th retail store worldwide. Officials are warning anyone suffering from a rare anxiety disorder known as sardine syndrome, to avoid the Apple store during it's grand opening weekend.

   

Though the Chinese will not be able to get their hands on iPhone since talks with major mobile carriers are still pending, they will get to sample the wildly popular iSling, which has become one of the hottest cell phone accessories in China used for hands-free conversations on mobile devices. The Beijing Apple store will have the iSling on exclusive display during it's grand opening. Designer Fug Li will be on hand to answer questions and show off her line of the fashionable iSling in seven colors. Reports indicate that Chinese users will be able to get Apple's complete line of computers and iPods, including the iPod touch when the Beijing Apple store opens it's doors.

[Photos by Lori Chao]

Fake Dave Grohl Stalks Seattle Apple Store To Foo Fight For Old iPhone

SEATTLE, WA - On any given day, in any given city, you can witness amazing feats of baffling cult of iPhone magic. Case in point is this fake Dave Grohl guy outside the University Village Apple Store in Seattle seeking a used iPhone like some kind of tech obsessed ticket scalper. Old iPhones have been selling on Ebay for $600 (by the way). This almost Foo Fighter finally gave up his quest and purchased a new iPhone 3G once he made it into the store. Apple store security kept confused Seattleites from trying to get a fake autograph signed.

One more thing... "1991 is on the phone, they want their flannel shirt back and Dave Grohl."

Photo by the wildly popular Jeff Carlson  

Sold Out iPhone Unmarketing Hits Apple Stores

Apple is using it's slick iPhone posters to properly brand being sold out of iPhone 3G, using classic "unmarketing" to herald the bad news for iPhone faithful. As of early Tuesday morning, 117 Apple stores reported having sold out of all models of the wildly popular iPhone 3G leaving only 27 locations with stock. Apple has posted a website to check iPhone 3G availability after 9:00 p.m., helping desperate fanatics of all kinds locate iPhone stock at various Apple stores in specific cities before burning fuel in frustration. Customers can view if 8GB, 16GB Black or white models are on hand.

Their method is simple, choose your city in the pull down tab. A green circle means "it's go time" and a red square means your living in hell without a new iPhone. It's like an on-line pregnancy test, except way more fun. Find a pregnant Apple store near you before you pogo in to pick up your new baby, or you may end up wailing on your way out too. Waaah!

[via Fortune]     [photo by Mike Lee]

iPhone Lines Still Going Strong Late Into Friday Night At Many Apple Stores

Apple store lines filled with anxious iPhone 3G faithful are now stretching late into Friday night with no real end in site. The photo above was taken at 10:52 PM outside Apple's 5th Avenue Flagship store which is known for being open 24 hours a day. The scene resembles a hyped up sea of concert goers except with no stage, no band and no loud music. It's a sidewalk worship service being held for the Jesus phone that saved the planet.

FAIL! No iPhone 3G Activation, Apple Store Confirms iTunes Activation Down

UPDATED: The Apple store and AT&T both confirmed mid morning that iTunes was down, turning activation into aggravation for iPhone 3G new comers. Though the iTunes store was functioning, iPhone activation servers were not. Close to 12:15 PST we had several updates confirming that service was back up with activations being completed successfully. A complete launch day disaster was narrowly diverted.

A spokesman for AT&T, said there was a global problem with Apple's iTunes servers that prevented the phones from being fully activated in-store, as had been planned.

This unforeseen scenario was a buzz killer of gargantuan proportions for cult of iPhone fanatics numbering in the thousands, camping out overnight to enjoy the glory of iPhone 3G. While some customers may have been able to achieve activation extremely early on, others had to painfully stand by in limbo with sweaty brow. This iPocalypse is equivalent to keenly designed torture for first time iPhones being baptized by fire with a hard Apple FAIL. The launch of iPhone 3G has manifested iBricking of a different kind for some iPhone faithful.

iPhone 3G activation success is only a click away. If you experience delays, keep trying.

Apple 2.0 Report

Apple Yanks iPhone 3G Stock From Retail Stores In Canada, Putting Rogers In Panic Mode

In what appears to be their own unique version of F-You Rogers, Canadian Apple stores will not be selling their new iPhone 3G when doors open on Friday. Cult of iPhone followers in Canada will be able to do some heavy petting with demo units in the Apple store on Friday, but the love affair ends there with a only a few Canadians getting to second base.

Rogers and it's partners Fido will be the sole destination where desperate Canadians can lock in their 3-year iPhone prison sentence and bend over to receive their minimum monthly payment of $60 for just 150 minutes, 75 text messages, and 400MB of data. Also known as getting iBoned.

iPhone 3G Goes On Sale 8 A.M, AT&T To Offer No Contract Option In The Future

The rumors about an early morning launch for iPhone 3G are 100% true as AT&T announced their plans today for a July 11th, 8 A.M. launch along with four individual nationwide iPhone 3G plans starting from the base of $69.99 to the unlimited premium package at $129.99 per month US. Set your alarms and let the line sitting begin!

AT&T is offering iPhone 3G at $199 for the 8GB model and $299 for the 16GB model. These prices require two-year contracts and are available to the following cult of iPhone followers:

• iPhone customers who purchased before July 11
• Customers activating a new line with AT&T
• Current AT&T customers who are eligible, at the time of purchase, for an upgrade discount

Apple Memo Coaches Staff To Be Village Idiots

Apple is allegedly instructing it's staffers through an internal iPhone 3G memo to fake right, then go left when answering customers questions leading up to the highly anticipated July 11th launch of iPhone 3G. Use of the impenetrable force field statement, "Not that I am aware of." or the brilliant cloaking power of "I don’t have any information regarding upgrades." are being encouraged by Apple.

When all else fails, I think employees should simply say; "I dunno...go ask AT&T," then stick their tongues out Steve Ballmer style. It might be just as effective.

Some Apple staff will likely experience a brain crash after accidentally combining parts from each statement like; "I don’t have any information that I am aware of.", making them powerless to proceed, requiring a forced reboot after you detect that endless rainbow pinwheel inside their pupils. Hopefully things will be much clearer closer to launch day. AppleInsider has done a stellar job of laying out the mind numbing details of the official Apple memo. I'll leave the heavy lifting to them.

[via AppleInsider]