iPhone Savior

Hundreds Migrate Towards Glow of Apple Logo For Creative Inspiration

  Special Report by Fay Stoker

NEW YORK, NY - Hundreds of people are flocking to Apple store locations to bask in the inspirational glow of the Apple logo in an attempt to spark creativity. A report that will appear in the Journal of Consumer Research next month suggests that the Steve jobs inspired, Reality Distortion Field may be grounded in truth. The study proves that gazing upon the Apple logo is enough to motivate people to be more creative. Apple wasted no time changing the signs above their Chelsea store to herald the reports findings. (above)

According to store staff, many are taking the study literally by standing outside Apple store locations staring at the large glowing Apple logo. It's a phenomenon closely associated with those that travel to worship at the statue of the Virgin Mary hoping to receive healing as a result of the statue miraculously producing tears. Some Apple faithful are indeed claiming a surge in personal creativity while waiting in the queue set up outside a number of Apple stores put in place by staff to handle the large crowds containing equal parts curious and true believers. (Milton Keynes queue below)

Fresh Converts Join The Cult of Mac Curious

 

Life has been evolving so fast that what's considered new this morning can be tabbed as "medieval" by noon. Apple pushed this race to innovation to new heights when it started releasing its line of Mac computers. The Mac fever rode high and with good reason. Up to now, I can say that comparing Mac to any other computer is like comparing broadband to telegraph.

Pictured above are two fresh converts leaving the Boston Apple store seen holding their brand new Macbook Pros. Do you remember when you had that same look of gleeful self-assurance, bliss and genuine superiority after joining the Apple cult? That Macishly smug look that says, hey world I just bought true innovation and you're all whores. Not the $4,300 dollar a night Eliot Spitzer variety whore but more like those $50 hand-job whores with bad teeth.

Remember when you had no problem plunking down a few grand because you believed that your new Mac would alter your entire world and gain you the kind of attention from hotties you knew you deserved? Me too, I remember it all like it was yesterday. I love the hope and innocence I see in their eyes on this day that they have been truly reborn. The Cult of Mac is alive and well in Boston and church is in session for these two recently baptized Apple newbies. Welcome home my friends.

[photo by SimonDee]

Demented Zune Zombie Gets Inked

Not realizing the all consuming launch of Apple's iPhone was imminent, a demented Zune follower plunged headlong into a misguided adventure in permanent marking. Some people call them tats, I like to refer to them as ink candy. What was he thinking? Zune zombies need a savior. Read More

True Savior Puzzled by iPhone Worship

Even Jesus himself was rumored to be puzzled by all of the hoopla surrounding the launch of Apple's new iPhone. Followers everywhere have been seen denouncing their Blackberrys, Palms and Treos in what has amounted to a mass exodus rivaling the numbers led by Moses back in the heyday of idol worship.

Gene Munster, a senior research analyst with Piper Jaffray, estimated that Apple sold approximately 500,000 iPhones in the past three days.

"An AT&T spokesman confirmed that "nearly all of our 1,800 … retail stores have sold out." He declined to provide specific numbers or comment on when new devices might be delivered to stores, citing "competitive reason." Source PC Magazine

But after the faithful, who will Apple sell to? One follower, Tim Manshead, stationed overnight outside of the Apple Store in Chicago said; "It was like they were giving away gold bars or something, but charging us $600 for them". Tim indicated that there was no shortage of believers willing to sacrifice for hours waiting in long lines to get their gold bar (iPhone). "I've never seen anything like this," said Tim, "except when the Nintendo Wii was released, but other than that, never". Apple staffers stood in a line outside cheering on each follower who exited the store with their new iPhone, some going as far as offering purchasers warm embraces and an occasional kiss on the forehead. Managers caught up in the fervor, anointed some of the faithful with motor oil and shouted "be healed!"

Jesus could not be reached for comment at the time this article was posted.

Follow The Cult

False Religion for iPhone

The cult of iPhone has given birth to rampant idol worship since it's launch on June 29th, fondly referred to as the Jesus Phone. Contrary to popular belief, the new iPhone is declared to not be a credible savior by Reverend Ivan Stang from "The Church of The Sub Genius", itself a prominent cult. It has become increasingly difficult for Stang's church to keep up with the cult of iPhone realizing that the center of their worship is "really cool" and it's purpose driven too. Members purchase an iPhone and blammo! they get instant membership and start packing sweet technology in the process. That buzz factor is tough for smaller cults to compete with. As a result, hundreds of thousands of iPhone followers have raised up lesser gods to use for idol worship in their own off-shoot cult religions.