iPhone Savior

Telstra Offers iPhone 3G At No Cost With Premium Plans Down Under

While the cult of iPhone faithful in Canada are waging war against Rogers over their three year mandatory contract (prison sentence) and price gouging monthly iPhone hostage programs, Australia is experiencing the exact opposite from Telstra, the third mobile carrier to offer iPhone in the land down under. Telstra has beaten their competition to the punch as the first carrier to unveil iPhone 3G pricing details for Australia well ahead of Vodaphone and Optus. Let the price war begin!

Steve Jobs Gets Open Letter From Angry Cult of iPhone Canada, Stop Rogers!

There's a great disturbance in the cult of iPhone as angry Canadian followers strike back hard at Canada's leading wireless carrier Rogers with an open letter to Steve Jobs himself, pleading with El Jobso to do something quick to rescue their iPhone future. The Ruined iPhone website, formerly known as F_ CK YOU Rogers coalition have streamlined their brand message to be less offensive and more effective.

"I was going to buy an iPhone for me, my girlfriend and my family. Now, sadly, I cannot afford the plan. I hope you can do something Steve; we are loyal customers and trust that you will. We don't want to lose faith in Apple." James Hallen - Ruined iPhone

Fake Steve Jobs Bounces Fake Jerry Yang Out On His Boney Arse

The great fake one has declared he's had enough, firing guest blogger, fake Jerry Yang after ripping the Yangster a new fake arsehole. FSJ had the chimp bounced out gangster style, thanking Yang with a proper ass whuppin' on his way to the door.

"You suck, Jerry. You SUCK! Your company sucks and you suck and your blogging sucks! Seriously, dude. You suck, and you're fired." said Jobs in his return from vacation rant.

The love affair between fake Steve Jobs and the cry-baby Yangster was bound to end badly. From the start Yang managed to bounce on every readers last nerve like it was a friggin trampoline during his pathetic guest run in what amounted to roughly 24 catatonic posts. I loved the "Jerry is Sergey's bitch" video but that was not Yang's work. Surprised?

I must say, You SUCK! perfectly sums up my feelings about the Yangmeister's miserable attempt at power-blogging. He's a hack midget turd compared to the gravitas of El Jobso. Welcome back Steve. Peace out little chimp!   

[via Fake Steve Jobs]    [Yang Guest Blogging]

Line Sitters Training Camp Prepares iPhone Faithful For The Inevitable

SAN DIEGO, CA - Anyone who had a pulse close to June 29, 2007 witnessed the media frenzy surrounding the launch of the original iPhone which has since spawned a global cult of committed iPhone faithful in epic proportions. It seemed like the lines stretched back from New York to Australia filled with devoted Apple followers attending their first iPhone worship service. Church will be back in session for round two with Steve Jobs presiding over the line of mass hysteria. 

Mac fanatic and personal trainer, Gib Nikserof has chosen to volunteer his first hand iPhone line experience to fellow cult members by launching his unique line sitters training camp. His goal is to help true believers prepare for the grueling adventure that awaits them in front of Apple stores on July 11th when iPhone 3G goes on sale.

Apple Memo Coaches Staff To Be Village Idiots

Apple is allegedly instructing it's staffers through an internal iPhone 3G memo to fake right, then go left when answering customers questions leading up to the highly anticipated July 11th launch of iPhone 3G. Use of the impenetrable force field statement, "Not that I am aware of." or the brilliant cloaking power of "I don’t have any information regarding upgrades." are being encouraged by Apple.

When all else fails, I think employees should simply say; "I dunno...go ask AT&T," then stick their tongues out Steve Ballmer style. It might be just as effective.

Some Apple staff will likely experience a brain crash after accidentally combining parts from each statement like; "I don’t have any information that I am aware of.", making them powerless to proceed, requiring a forced reboot after you detect that endless rainbow pinwheel inside their pupils. Hopefully things will be much clearer closer to launch day. AppleInsider has done a stellar job of laying out the mind numbing details of the official Apple memo. I'll leave the heavy lifting to them.

[via AppleInsider]

Aquapac Is The Perfect Full Body Condom For Waterproofing Your iPhone

                               "A cheap way to waterproof your expensive iPhone."

Aquapac appears to be the best way to add 100% waterproofing to your iPhone for only $25. This iPhone full body condom keeps out dust and sand too for surviving those long days shipwrecked on a desert island or being stranded at the in-laws trailer park. Kill me now! Aquapac is tinted light blue for her pleasure and especially useful when others need to find you after passing out face down on your neighbors lawn.

Cult of Mac Vomits Up 10 Whiney Reasons To Hate iPhone 3G

I have great respect for the lifetime achievements of the tech squatters over at Cult of Mac, but nobody likes a whiner. Especially when that whiner has an Apple logo shaved onto the back of his skull. The wildly popular Lonnie Lazar has posted a big wussy, cry-baby story citing "10 Reasons to Hate iPhone 3G Already" Wah wah waaah!
"Steve jobs is ripping you off once again."

iPhone 3G is barely warm in the back rooms of Apple's retail empire when some overpaid, smartphone neophyte launches a lamenting street parade of iPhone bashing, as if July 11th will be the cult of iPhone followers 'Day of The Dead' (Dia de los Muertos). Lazar compares a friggin' Crackberry to iPhone using a bunch of annoying factoids. That's fugly! Who cares about the facts? It's a Jesus Phone broseph! Thou shalt worship no other gods mister Crackberry lover. A true Mac cultist should know that. Read Lonnie's regurgitated iPhone eulogy for yourself [here].

Don't hate... propagate!

[Cult of Mac]   [Original Hate Post via APC]   [Another Hate Regurge ]

iPhone 2.0 Golden Master May Ship Friday While Dev Team Races To Crack It

Gizmodo is reporting that it's "highly probable" the iPhone 2.0 Golden Master will drop this Friday according to their super-secret mole working inside Cupertino's iPhone software development effort. Golden Master is not a new Austin Powers movie, but rather a term used by developers that simply means, "ship it biotch!". Urban slang translated to imply iPhone 2.0 is ready for distribution via iTunes. Got wood?

Gizmodo cautions that the Friday date is only tentative. This means the tip may or may not have come via some cute blonde in a polka dot dress. The Giz-meisters also confirmed that the iPhone Dev Team are working overtime to crack the latest version of the iPhone 2.0 software build, surviving solely on Monster Energy Drinks, Kit Kat Bars and re-runs of Saved By The Bell. It's rumored that jock straps and wife-beaters are mandatory apparel for the major crack-fest. More on this one to follow.

[via Gizmodo]

Man Hides Cell Phone In Anus To Elude Police And Avoid Roaming Charges

CINCINNATI, OHIO - Ace crime stalkers at The Smoking Gun have confirmed that a 41 year old Ohio man was nabbed by police for allegedly using his cell phone to peep free nudey picts of a 35 year old woman attempting to avoid tan lines by performing her fake-n-bake in the nude at Cincinnati's Aloha Tanning.

When confronted by police the man apparently denied any involvement in the incident insisting that he did not have a camera on him. A second search by police verified the man's claim of having no camera on him, because it was in him, as noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report. Merv the perv allegedly managed to rocket his cell phone up into his anus at breathtaking speeds in a daring attempt to fool police. This is what happens to peepers when push comes to shove. I'm relieved that this guy was not a cult of iPhone follower.

The man was freed on $1,500 bond while investigators tried to determine which brand of cell phone would have to be booked into evidence as a piece of crap. I could make a few educated guesses myself. It's wildly rumored that officers handed the butt-phone back to the perp so he could make his one phone call. That's unconfirmed. This is a great place to drop an "exit only" joke.

[Smoking Gun via Gizmodo]

New York To Honor Steve Jobs With Historic Tribute For iPhone 3G Launch

NEW YORK, NY - The city of New York has reached a milestone decision to honor Apple CEO, Steve Jobs with a Statue of Liberty tribute heralding the launch of the wildly anticipated iPhone 3G. The Apple remixed version of Miss Liberty will be unveiled on July 11 at 12:01 AM in what the city expects will be a massive gathering of Mac faithful along the Hudson River.

"Steve Jobs has given New Yorkers so much liberty with the iPod and iPhone. What about that big ass glass cube on 5th Avenue? Damn! That's some nice floss for NYC," said LT Governor, David Pooterson.

Leaders from The Big Apple expressed a desire to give something back to such a brilliant visionary and American icon like Steve Jobs. Commemorative "Liberty Jobs" glow in the dark condoms and black mock turtleneck shirts will be handed out to the first 500 people attending the historic worship service. Viva Liberte!!

Photo Rendering of Liberty Jobs by phatboy5289