iPhone Savior

Polish Actors Cast For TV Advert Right From iPhone 3G Queue

WARSAW - Reports surfaced on Reuters yesterday claiming that Orange Poland hired local actors to stand in queues outside of 20 Orange shops to generate interest in the launch of Apple's iPhone 3G.

Two of those actors waiting in queue have been allegedly cast in a regional advert for Orange Poland according to claims by a source close to the actors. "My friends were acting like the Apple fanboys here in Warsaw when some man in a suit asks them for head shots," said Borys Janiki, "One hour later a call comes on the cellie asking for a meeting to discuss casting for new adverts. My friends said yes, yes!"

Our source admitted that brothers Aleksy and Lucas Malinowski were a bit skeptical of the offer at first until pay scale and availability for location shooting was finalized. The TV adverts would be the first for the mismatched pair who've only been hired for underwear print ads on two other occasions. Aleksy remains an official spokesmodel for one popular lingerie brand. Sometimes it pays to fake it until you make it.

Pictured Above Aleksy (left) Lucas (right)    [photo by Borys Janiki]

Sticker Shock Plus No 3G Cripples iPhone Launch In Mumbai, India

Months before the announcement of the August 22nd iPhone launch, fanatics in India were screaming for their shot at iPhone 3G mania. You would think from the crowds in the photo (above) that the Airtel iPhone launch in Mumbai, India was a raging success. Think again! One cult of iPhone follower present at Airtel's testical festival knows otherwise. Brajeshwar Oinam who was also responsible for shooting the photos reported;

"The majority of the people had no clue what was happening. They believed that some celebrity is coming for a movie preview, so they joined the crowd which had gathered there. The remainder of the crowd are security guards and Airtel people themselves." said Brajeshwar Oinam.

Orange Hires Hack Actors To Fill Queues In Poland for iPhone Launch

WARSAW - Orange, one of Poland's largest mobile operators is allegedly paying dozens of actors to queue up for Apple's iPhone launch taking place in Poland on August 22nd according to a Reuters report.

"We have these fake queues at the front of 20 stores around the country to drum up interest in the iPhone," a spokesman said.

It appears that Orange has surmised that a large gathering of paid "cult of iPhone zombies" is much better than having no queue at all. That assumption could not be further from the truth. True iPhone worshipers are a committed group of fanatical believers freely going to absurd lengths to take home Apple's revolutionary technology. You can't fake that kind of enthusiasm with some Polish Brad Pitt.

"Acceptable 3G speeds or not, iPhone faithful always buy first and ask the important questions later," said one university student. "We are expert line sitters not actors. That's who we are!"

It disgusts me to know when the queue of failed, hack, wannabe movie stars finally starts moving into the Orange store, they will have to shamelessly fain genuine interest in iPhone 3G just like Americans do at a Microsoft Mojave experiment. Orange will learn the hard way that no method acting could ever replace the authentic glazed over look of an true iPhone fanatic nor fill the cash register with real sales.

Reports indicate that there were no queues at T-Mobile's Era stores, which is also due to launch the iPhone on Friday. Though one bystander insisted T-Mobile was planning to fill their queues with half-nude mannequins wearing branded Orange tee shirts in order to send their competitor a strong message. No one could articulate what that message was.

An Orange store manager promised to grant us a statement by phone but store staff reported he was currently trapped in his car, trying to use a wire hanger to get out.

[via Reuters]

'Opening Day Disorder' Effects One In Twenty Apple Store Employees

CALIFORNIA - There is such a thing as vibrant team spirit present at every new Apple store opening across the globe. Then there's this random act of opening day enthusiasm (above) that blew right past acceptable into epic FAIL. The line is wafer thin.

With a record number of new stores being built, Steve Jobs has been alerted to the potential risks of 'Opening Day Disorder' reported to strike one in every twenty Apple employees at store grand openings. By the looks on the faces of people in line, it appears the staffers improvised 'happy dance' may have been too much to comprehend. Thankfully this valued Apple employee is expected to make a full recovery.

"It's so embarrassing when the disorder takes over," said Lilly Whitener a former Apple Specialist who battled O.D.D. "I rushed up to one Genius at our Grand Opening and started licking his entire face like it was a Blow Pop. I quit the next day, but we're married now."

[photo by Guerella]

Facebook 2.0 For iPhone Hitting App Store By September

UPDATE: Facebook 2.0 is Now Ready for Download in the App Store [iTunes link]

Facebook is heralding the fact that their 2.0 release set for September, will bring their otherwise frustrating current version much closer to matching all of the authentic functionality of the Facebook website. A show-and-tell preview page is ripe with life-sized iPhone photo samples displaying the new hotness.

Notifications will be viewable on the Home tab, with new notifications arriving in real-time while the app is running. Notifications are being prepared by the Face heads to rock with the release of Apple's new push notification service, allowing Facebook to deliver notifications to your iPhone even when you're not running the app. Version 2.0 appears to be a wet dream for the waiting faithful.

A commenter wrote; "Now this is what the app should be like, with this I won't be forever switching from the app to Safari and back again."

Most of the comments on the Facebook 2.0 preview page are gleefully positive coming from the serious iPhone Facebookies. Except for one doofus who appears to be getting ostracized by the "cooler kids" who really understand the deeper meaning of Facebook. He was group beaten into pulp for making a few dumbass comments. Not much has changed since High School. Thankfully Facebook 2.0 has.

[Gizmodo via Facebook 2.0]    [Facebook The Movie]   

Leaked Screenshots of Nike+ iPhone App Are Total French Fakes

It's no surprise that this weak display of utter iPhone news hackery turned out to be an elaborate hoax served up on a baguette with stinky cheese. The so called 'leaked screenshots' of an upcoming Nike+ application for the iPhone was generated by a French website called iPhon.fr. What the hell is an "iPhon"? It's friggin bad inglish, that's what!

"While Apple and Nike are indeed working to bring the Nike+ experience to Apple's touch-based handhelds sometime in the future, it may be some time before that application sees the light of day," AppleInsider reports.

Every tech website and their downey sister-sites quickly jumped on this original story like it was the last life preserver on the Titanic. Nobody noticed another lame post on that website featuring an iPhon dressed up like a deranged pirate on crack? That was my first clue something wasn't flushing right. Please!

This was the French equivalent of our "frozen Bigfoot" hoax, only hairier. I despise these hacks who fabricate iPhone news. Don't you?

[via AppleInsider]

Apple Testing New Bluetooth Headset Design?

Early testing is under way for Apple's new "stretched ear" bluetooth headset, designed exclusively for cult of iPhone faithful who really think different. Sources report that product testers are raving about the noise-suppressing DSP technology.

Some complained at first about the innovative stretch-to-fit design, but later confirmed; "You have to expect some painful adjustments as an early adopter, you get used to it after awhile". Nice! I'm sticking with my boring handheld option for now. 

The unnamed iPhone headset is rumored for release in two sizes, finished in black or white with each device utilizing Apple's patented vibration technology. No need for the uncomfortable in-ear violation of typical headsets. Our source expects delivery in time for holiday shopping. What (i) name will Apple attach to this one?

[photo courtesy of Carlsbadistan.com]

First-Generation iPod Nano Still Smoking In Japan

Apple has agreed to replace smoking first-generation iPod Nano units after admitting today that some nanos were overheating due to battery problems. What also helped to push things along was word that Japan's Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry was investigating similar reports of nanos overheating there. In all, reports tell of 14 such incidents occurring in the country.

You should know, this iPod battery issue is not new. Remember Danny Williams from Georgia who reported his first-gen iPod Nano spontaneously caught fire in his pocket back in October 2007? It turns out he wasn't so crazy after all, now was he?

Apple suggests that first-generation iPod nano owners experiencing battery overheating or sparking should contact AppleCare for a replacement unit.

Should anyone feel a hot, tingling sensation in the area surrounding your pocket, like Danny Williams did, don't panic. Check to ensure you're carrying your first-generation iPod Nano. If you're not, consult a medical professional immediately, you may be experiencing a different kind of problem. 

[Danny Williams video after the jump]

Colbert Report Creates Panic For Chicago Youth With Killer iPhone Spoof

Special Report by Fay Stoker

CHICAGO, IL - Dozens of middle school children from a small Chicago suburb near Arlington Heights, Illinois were being closely monitored on Tuesday morning by area parents after one pre-teen caused complete mayhem on Monday by grossly overreacting to a five day old broadcast by TV show personality, Stephen Colbert, aimed at spoofing Apple's iPhone.

Stephen Colbert hosts the wildly popular Comedy Central news show, "The Colbert Report". Colbert jokingly reported news on his August 14th show claiming; "Your iPhone's kill switch doesn't remove undesirable software -- it kills you!" In a segment entitled "Threat Down", Colbert named the iPhone as "The number one threat in America." due to the reported kill switch put in place by Apple to remotely delete malicious applications stored on the device. The boy allegedly spotted the video clip in a link emailed to him by a friend from Gizmodo.com, a wacky gadget review website.

iPhone Bulge Called "Most Popular" Feature

With the size of iPhone 3G changing only slightly in proportion and curvature from the original, the commonly accepted drawback of "iPhone bulge" remains a challenge for most of us accustomed to shoving our hunk of innovation into our front pockets. Anyone who chooses an iPhone case, sleeve or pocket pouch for protection, no matter how thin, will notice that iPhone bulge only becomes more obvious. Some actually believe that's a good thing. Is that an iPhone in your pocket?