Apple's "Let's Rock" media event scheduled for September 9th will be leveraged as a strategic opportunity for Steve Jobs to showcase positive proof of his excellent health along with unveiling Apple's new iPod line refreshes as predicted, according to sources.
"Steve Jobs is well aware that his physical appearance will be highly scrutinized by the media, potentially overshadowing his new product announcements," said technology analyst Elliott Arnought, "I expect Jobs to deliver a few big surprises in his personal appearance next Tuesday".
Arnaught revealed that the "Let's Rock" stage will contain a 12x12 opaque screen. Without notice, the room lights will dim and speakers will begin blasting an infectious new song into the room. A silhouette is expected to appear on the screen featuring a live, back-lit male dancer flailing to the music, wearing earbuds and holding the new iPod nano. Several dancers will join into the mix in what will look like a slickly choreographed live performance of Apple's trademark iPod commercials.
A few seconds later Steve Jobs himself is expected to emerge as the sole male dancer from behind the screen looking healthier than ever, without the use of any smoke and mirrors. Arnaught anticipates a standing ovation by captivated media approving of the newly refreshed, fiercely fit Steve Jobs who has managed to avoid being photographed in public since late June. At that point the official presentation will begin.
The obvious "in your face" maneuver by Apple's CEO is intended to serve
as a direct contradiction to flippant remarks made by 'death watch' Dan
Lyons (Fake Steve Jobs) about Jobs' health in recent reports.
MacDailyNews was the first to lash out at Lyons for his remarks,
calling him "A royal asshole", before refuting his claims with boring
factual information on Jobs' medical condition.
“Well it’s a weird situation. I can’t really get into this but people close to him have been saying for quite a while (before the appearance onstage) that he’s really sick," said Lyons referring to Steve Jobs, "And someone who saw him last week says he still looks like (expletive)”.
Sources confirmed the controversial expletive chosen by Lyons was the word "doody". A memorable slang word immortalized in pop culture by the 1980's film Caddyshack, when one swimmer in a Country Club pool scene mistook a Baby Ruth candy bar for a floating piece of human excrement. Causing complete panic for the masses after screaming, 'Doody!' Similar to the panic caused recently by Dan Lyons.
Arnaught strongly believes that the brilliantly satirical opening dance performance by Jobs will put to rest any absurd claims in the press of his continued ill health. Forcing the focus to be aimed one hundred percent where it ought to be, on Apple's exciting new iPod product line and possibly a MacBook refresh throw in for effect.
"It's all about the iPod dance," Arnaught said, "If Jobs nails it he will silence a lot of morbid death watchers for at least a few weeks."
It appears that Steve Jobs will be unveiling much more than new iPods during his opening sequence next week. Turnabout is fair play. God for you Steveo. Let's rock!
UPDATE: My "Let's Rock" invite appears to have gotten lost in the mail. Please send another one Steve.
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